Is Pain Worth It?

open ended

To gain you must first lose, to go upwards you go downwards, and so on and so forth. The universe is balanced, for better or for worse and I am certainly aware of the other side of the scales.

I’ve been through a lot in the last 5 years and I believed that when I received funding to be a part time grad student, things had finally tipped in the other direction. I thought about everything and that maybe it was a reward for the pain (both literal and metaphorical).

This revelation that maybe the pain was worth it, was made in part by the fact I was experiencing pain free music making.

or so I thought.

A few days ago I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong because I was completely exhausted. It wasn’t until I settled down into my body that I realized, that familiar ache had returned to my joints.

I laid there, breathing, scanning my arms and hands.

The feeling is hard to describe, like my forearms have been split open and carved out. There is a weakness in my hands that to be frank, I am quite afraid of.

I know what is causing it, but to admit that to myself is to admit that maybe I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do that again.

I’ve been busy to the point of not being aware of physical sensations like this. I hadn’t taken the time (other than briefly in Nashville) to meditate and bring my head out of the clouds in weeks. That in and of itself is a separate issue, but it contributed to me not being aware that the pain is back.

So at what point is pain no longer worth it? When is pain telling you to stop, rather than to build character.

Neuroscience shows that perseverance is good for our brains, that built resilience enhances nearly every part of our lives.

Acute physical pain serves a purpose as well, to help alert to various ailments and to signal to take breaks. Its generally regarded that when acute pain turns chronic, there should be medical intervention and you shouldn’t engage in the thing that is causing this.

Yeah we’ve all heard that, but what are you supposed to do when its what you love?

I’ve been told that I’m “incredibly adaptable and resilient” and I am! I am proud of the skills i’ve developed through this. But I don’t want to have to be resilient, or at least not to this degree. When I realized the pain was back, I cried a little because it hurts haha but more than anything I just felt sad. Sad that everything i’ve been doing to stay ahead of it had stopped working. I’ve sank a lot of money and time into trying to figure all of this out and it seems to have gone in a different direction.

I won’t quit trying to figure it out, at least what I had been doing worked for a bit that is better than nothing.

Maybe my pain is the purpose. Maybe it’ll drive my work and i’ll be able to make others lives easier in the process.